blog
:( - 3/10/24
woke up at like 12 because of daylight savings time, was weird af
celebrated my birthday with family today even though my actual birthday is in 3 days
even though it was supposed to be a happy day it was pretty shit
most of the gifts my parents gave me (or rather all, 2 gifts) were bought the same day as my birthday celebration
maybe im misundestanding but it almost feels like they forgot until right then. whatever though, i didnt care, its not abbout gifts at all and i didnt expect anything at all. at least they cared to get some.
my aunt, grandma and grandpa all got into a fight and started throwing food at eachother and fucked up the roof walls floor and doors with it. probably really fucked with paint and stains too.
then we celebrated and i felt akward or however u spell it thewhole time, and absolutely hated being the center of attention. i wanted to cry almost the whole time because people were looking at me.
basically i just read through cards from family members and opened my gifts (i had 6 total).
- a 7pound weighted blanket
- an actual bedframe
- stress ball im going to break within 10 minutes of opening it
- alot of money ($320 but i have to spend at least $200 on clothes because i have none, according to my parents
then i took a slice of some giant cookie thing and my aunt put a lighter infront of my face to blow out which was sweet because i had no candles
fast forward i go to my room with my uncle to check some bios stuff on a new computer server thing i got
my uncle sees a 3ds game (still in its case) on the floor and looks disappointed
i feel bad and pick it up (do keep in mind all of my 3ds stuff is his, im borrowing it)
fast forward more time when everyones left, im sitting on my bed with my new bedframe and he walks in, first thing he sees is a 3ds game on the floor again.
he says he wants to take the 3ds back and i respect it so i start collecting everything (trying not to cry soley because i disappointed another person)
cant find a few things
find everything except one 3ds game, $15 but he wants the original he gave me
checking closet because i cant find it anywhere, then i realize my laptop is under a giant heavy bin. i walk over to go and fix it and realize my laptop screen is fucking cracked and unusable
uncle leaves, i tell my mom about not finding a game, parents are very openly disapointed in me, i feel like i have a hole in my heart
then i tell my mom about my laptop screen and even though i had no plans with the money i got, she said "feels bad huh?" i responded with "huh?" and she said "to lose the money you just got?" and kept trying to dig it into me for 20 minutes
eventually i leave and go upstairs, sit on my bed for a bit
my dad comes in damn near screaming at me to see the laptop and i say "its cracked" and he doesnt even look at it, he just mumbles random garbled nonsense (almost spitting it) and storming off
keep in mind this is literally the cheapest laptop you can buy new that isnt a chromebook. it was $114. i can pay for it. a screen repair alone (all i need) is like $20. im FINE.
he leaves but all night hes looking at me with this horrible piercing gaze and i feel so horrible about it
ask him if hes mad at me (like a dumbass) because i just wanted him to say that he knows it was an accident
insstead he gives me a scary asf face and tells me i nevre pick up my shit and its my fault for not doing it
>mfw depression room
then i leave and he storms to my room, right in my face yelling at me to clean up a pile of cords
said pile of cords is a HUGE pile of cords thats entangled a ton of random shit, mostly 90s controllers for the snes n64 random keyboards a vc mouse etc. i dont know how it even got so bad but its a WRECK.
i felt absolutely destroyed because its all my fault and its going to take forever, added on with disappointing multiple people
after my dad sent me to bed i snuck on my phone in bed and just kind of stared. idk what to call it. it was the most empty most emotionless stare ever. thoughtless.
messaging my friend because i wanted to hurt myself and they said to message if i ever thought about it
they didnt respond for an HOUR (still love them somuch tho)
didnt self harm, but i was wondering about going to my parents room and commiting suicide. i dont even know why now but i dont know why i didnt.
they were watching a movie in a theater, not asleep, so they responded eventually
talked to them forever
they comforted me (best friend ever fr)
i was like super vulnerable and scared they would think its weird but i have almost never gotten any huigs, like ever, so i just asked if they could give me alot of hugs wednesday
oh yeah wednesday is my birthday and we planned a sleepover for wednesday so i hope its not cancelled now
they said yes and i felt so weirded out they just said yes without hesitation. i felt like they would be disgusted and that was the last thing i expected
turns out im super fucking touch deprived and have never experienced any amount of love in any form. like a fucking hug.
i dont know how to feel.