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IIMMM LLOOSSING MY SHIITTTT - 3/03/24

i am become SUCH A TOXIC FUCKING BITCH just like my mom.

i am losing my fucking mind right now, i threw up like thirty minutes ago, my arm is covered in blood and it stings so fucking bad

i kind of want to show my mom my arm and let her have a full mental breakdown and not comfort her at all so she fucking understands i’m in pain and not just some angsty teenager

i kind of want her to catch me up and see me like this

and so she hopefully becomes so guilty she’s not such a piece of shit to me and my family snymore even if it means she’s a shell of herself

i’m actually such a piece of shit for saying that

i fucking hate myself

my parents dont care about me at all, they dont care about the shit i do, only what i say and how i act. they micromanage my ass

night is the ONLY time i get to be myself let alone by myself. they are CONTROLLING MOTHERFUCKERS.

EVEENN IF THEY WERENT, AND IM BEING DELUSIONALl, THAT DOESNT CHANGE HOW THEY TREAT ME

i dont deserve this, noone deserves this, noone deserves a barely functioning family that would rather make themselves look good than care about you

at this point i dont even know if they care about how they look, i think they just really fucking hate me.

i try SO HARD to be the perfect daughter. I WANT to be the perfect daughter. im autistic as shit, it doesn't help, i rarely ever get social cues and so im percieved as a rude asshole

i havent gone to sleep without passing out or sobbing myself to sleep in almost a week

noones standing up for me and i cant fucking do it myself, i tried and it only made everything WORSE

my fucking arms hurt, there are so many cuts through my entire arm. what a stupid fucking decision i made. its fucking impossible to hide them

its fucking impossible to hide and its obviously self harm and not like even similar to cat scratches because some are a little deep i cant lie

not like that even matters when there are DOZENS in almost perfectly straight lines

my entire arm is red and irritated as hell, the blood stopped coming out but its fucking impsosible to wash off.

sometimes i wonder if i should just kill myself, if that would make it better, i want to give up so fucking bad

i dont know why the fuck i havent, i think because lily would miss me. shes my best friend. i dont want to hurt her. i love her.

this is the worst day i have had in so long, theres to much to go over like i can even form the words

i swear to god if one of you fuckers calls cps on me i will end my life, no hesitation. it is not worth being put into a worse family to end this abuse.

FUCK MY LIFE